How to Photograph an Iguana

Obviously, this was written before the birth of digital cameras...

  1. Remove film from box and load camera;

  2. Choose a suitable background and setting (branch, large plant) for photo;

  3. Mount camera on tripod and focus;

  4. Place iguana on setting and return to camera;

  5. Focus with one hand and fend off dog with other hand;

  6. Crawl after iguana on knees while fending off dog;

  7. Pull reluctant iguana from under the cabinet;

  8. Place iguana on setting once again;

  9. Apply peroxide to your scratched forearms;

  10. Grab dog and lock in one room;

  11. Run towards setting in time to grab iguana and say "No, no, not there!";

  12. Rinse iguana in bath tub and wipe urates that have dribbled all over setting and floor;

  13. Replace iguana on setting and return to camera;

  14. Get iguana's attention by waving a leaf over your head;

  15. Pull iguana off camera and check lens for damage;

  16. Chase after iguana across the room;

  17. Pull iguana off venetians, off your shirt, then off your head;

  18. Place iguana back in habitat;

  19. Change torn shirt and pick up overturned objects;

  20. Fix a strong drink;

  21. Sit back in couch and resolve to photograph iguana first thing in the morning, *before* iguana has a chance to warm up.